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Aug 2
Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He’d known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML
High-Res ->35 notes
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Aug 1
Today, I went to a horse show. While I used a port-a-potty, a runaway horse ran past, knocking the corner of the potty hard, causing my privates to be splashed with other people’s accumulated waste. FML
High-Res ->18 notes
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Jul 31
Today, I was at the airport. A creepy man smiled at me, so I politely smiled back. I then realized his shirt said “Smile if you take it in the ass.” He continued by winking at me. FML
High-Res ->32 notes
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Jul 24
Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn’t told anyone about the theft. FML
High-Res ->17 notes
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Jul 17
73 notes
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Jul 16
Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, “ew stop.” FML
High-Res ->24 notes
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Jul 15
Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML
High-Res ->9 notes
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Jul 10
Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML
High-Res ->15 notes
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Jul 8
Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can’t have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, “I don’t want twins.” FML
High-Res ->15 notes
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Jul 6
Today, I realized that I’m a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML
High-Res ->23 notes
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Jul 6
Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I’m Jewish. FML
High-Res ->25 notes
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Jul 5
Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, “I bet you don’t have a boyfriend, do you?” FML
High-Res ->15 notes
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Jul 3
19 notes
